“Have you mentioned my DIY in your blog yet?” Asks Mr TGE. “Yes”, I lie.
Oh Reader, this weekend was all going so well. Saturday night was spent back with Parentals, celebrating The Matriarch’s birthday. As always this was done by drinking champers supplied by The Grandparentals and agreeing that we all have no idea why so many of Mother TGE’s birthday cards are to do with drinking vast quantities, where do people even get this from, it’s not like her at all and why yes I would like a top up actually…
A sunny Sunday followed with a trip to Ikea with Mr TGE – not only did we NOT fall out we emerged having only bought what we went in to buy, laughing carelessly like a woman from the Tena Ladies adverts. Smugger than smug we headed home, what could possibly go wrong?
Lamb. Sodding. Hot Pot. Here’s your guide…
Look up a recipe online which is well reviewed. Skim read it as obviously you intuitively know how to cook this anyway and actually reading it properly would be pointless and waste precious cooking time.
Ignore the ingredients list, just use whatever you have in your fridge, it’ll probably be fine.
Pour a glass of prosecco to sip while you cook – you probably look a bit like Nigella at this point, you think to yourself.
Start chopping and frying ingredients (which at this point match fairly closely to the recipe). Encouraged by how delicious this smells decide to go off piste… Oooh look some leftover chorizo is in the fridge, chuck that in. Maybe some soy sauce too? Excellent. Reward self with a large sip of prosecco.
Realise everything is burning slightly so chuck ingredients out of frying pan into casserole dish. Sprinkle some flour onto it as that always helps. Pour in the amount of red wine stated in the recipe. Put dish in oven.
Remember you have forgotten both carrots and garlic. Pour more prosecco and shove the slightly burnt frying pan back on the stove. Fry at a high heat to speed things up.
Self doubt will creep in at this point so re-skim read (still not properly though, that’s important) the recipe. YOU WERE MEANT TO HAVE DONE THE POTATOES BY NOW. Swig the prosecco and pour another.
Start slicing your potatoes, pause to deal with fire alarm which will now be shrieking because you’re still cooking the bastard carrots and garlic at far too high a heat and they’ve burnt.
Try not to panic as you stand swaying like a dandelion in the wind on your chair, attempting to shut the fire alarm off. Bash it when it won’t turn off. Pour more prosecco and drink immediately.
Add the burnt carrots and garlic to the dish and leave for 15 minutes.
After 15 minutes, take a teaspoon and have a test taste. Everything tastes like burnt. Add the rest of the bottle of red wine as that will make it better.
Take another test taste. It tastes like red wine and burnt. Add butter and salt, the Batman and Robin of the cooking world. This will fix EVERYTHING.
Taste again. Butter and salt have betrayed you and everything is not fixed. Panic and add some tomatoes, tomato sauce and mint sauce.
POUR AND DRINK MORE PROSECCO BECAUSE DOES ANYTHING REALLY MATTER ANYMORE ANYWAY??
Cover the dishes in the potatoes you forgot earlier and then cover them in butter and salt. I mean really why not at this stage?
Stick it in the oven for an hour and pour yourself a well deserved glass of prosecco.