BABY TGE: SO YOU HAVE A 3 MONTH OLD

12 whole weeks have passed since your new tiny shouty dictator  precious bundle has arrived and you’re heading out of those initial hazy newborn days into uncharted territory! Your baby has stopped being an eating/sleeping potato and, if he’s anything like Baby TGE, has started developing fairly strongly opinions about what his day should consist of. So you have a 3 month old.. here we go…

  1. “I’ve definitely got this/ Oh FML I haven’t got this”

    Ok, so you’ve got to know your little person a lot more now, you have a vague idea (maybe) if they’re tired, hungry or just feeling a bit shouty. You’ve probably stopped sterilising the dummy every time it hits the floor (5 second rule, amiright?) and don’t feel like the worst parent in the world if you drop a bit of your lunch on them by accident.  There will now be mornings (sometimes even full days) when you realise that you’re both up, washed, fed and dressed and This Morning hasn’t even started yet! Your baby will happily coo and smile at you, dressed in their smart new outfit.  You’ll chuck on 3 loads of laundry, flick on some mascara and feel pretty good about life right now. The baby will be approaching their first nap and you’ll manage to pop them down in their moses basket (sleepy but awake of course – terribly important according to sleep training) and you’ll have a lovely hot cup of tea while he snoozes. You’ll realise that you’re actually a bit of a natural at this Motherhood lark. The important thing you decide, is just to relax and go with the flow. You might even contemplate writing a blog post detailing some handy hints and tips for other Mums to make their days as easy and carefree as yours are now… yep, you’ve got this. You probably even whatsapp your partner to let him know just how much you’ve got this.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Except, wait, shit hang on.. the baby is suddenly going mental for no reason and after an increasingly sweaty 20 minutes you’re rapidly running out of your handy go to tips to try. Oh bugger, suddenly it’s 3pm and you haven’t managed to have lunch yet but the baby has just passed out on you and you don’t dare move for fear of waking him (even though you’ve decided that you’re definitely putting the baby down for every nap now, all part of the sleep training you see…). By the time you’re free to venture to the fridge you realise that you’ve only got one manky green pepper and some brie in there anyway. One manky green pepper and brie sandwich later it’s time to leave the house in order to get something a bit more substantial for dinner, how about chicken curry? Quick, tasty and can be made quite healthily (which is important as you’re starting your post baby health kick now). You’re halfway to the shop when it starts raining and, oh bugger now you have to try and gaffa tape the rain cover to the pram as you never really learned how to put it on properly. Of course you’re getting wet but that doesn’t matter anymore does it? Wild eyed and slick haired you arrive at your local co-op which is pretty much out of everything except peppers and brie. FML. You locate one healthy-ish curry sauce, some rice and even some poppadoms. Bosh, time to get home. Arriving home you realise that you have forgotten the bastarding chicken! No time to think about that now of course because you’ve stopped moving the pram and the baby is FURIOUS about this and vomits all over his beautiful outfit to demonstrate this rage. The washing machine will beep to let you know that your laundry is done but obviously as it’s now raining there’s nowhere to bloody dry it but you need to find somewhere as otherwise you’ll have no clothes tomorrow and FML what am I doing… This is when your partner will arrive home, not to the domestic bliss suggested in your last whatsapp message, but to a house which resembles a bin where everyone in crying. God dammit, why did you put mascara on for this? He’ll innocently ask why you haven’t managed to put the recycling out yet and you’ll karate chop him in the face until he promises to get you a big mac. But of course, as with all things, this passes. One McDonald’s and glass of wine later (the health kick can start tomorrow, yeah?) and everything suddenly seems brighter. And oh look, the baby is asleep! And in his cot too! You’ve totally got this.

  2. “Helpful” strangers

    Generally speaking people just can’t resist a baby, they attract the smiles and coos of strangers wherever you go. They also can attract opinions like nothing else I’ve experienced…

    So you’re at the till of Aldi and your groceries are being chucked through with a speed and ferocity that suggests the cashier is in training to be an Olympic shot-putter. You’re desperately trying to keep up and this is when your baby decides to have a meltdown… you’re now pushing the pram, which has been deemed too boring to possibly stay in one moment longer by your screaming offspring, with one hand. You’re juggling said screaming sprog in your other arm and brightly insisting in a voice that you don’t recognise that, “we don’t scream like that now do we darling??” Darling child is demonstrating that actually, yes he bloody does scream and he’ll show you just how loud if you like. With your secret third Mum hand that you’ve managed to grow from somewhere you’re dealing with the accumulating food shop pile which is about to fall everywhere… Cue the helpful stranger!!                                                                                                                                                               Helpful Stranger: “Oooh someone sounds hungry!

    You: “Haha, I’ve just fed him actually, he’s just being a bit grumpy”

   Helpful Stranger: “Oh really? He does sound hungry though doesn’t he?”

   You (juggling loo roll and avocados before you lose them): “Haha no… like I said,   he’s just had a big feed so -“

 Helpful stranger (now ignoring you and talking directly to your baby in a baby voice):  ” – Someone’s hungry aren’t they? Does someone want their lunch? You want your lunch don’t you? You just want some lunch? Why doesn’t Mummy just give you some lunch…”

      You: “HE HAS HAD HIS BASTARDIING LUNCH!! HE IS CRYING BECAUSE HE WANTS     ME TO PRETEND HE IS AN AEROPLANE AND SWING HIM ABOUT MY HEAD, IT’S HIS NEW FAVOURITE THING AND I’VE BEEN DOING IT ALL BASTARDING MORNING BUT I HAVE WELL AND TRULY RUN OUT OF HANDS!! I’M TRYING TO CRAM A WEEKS’ WORTH OF GROCERIES INTO THE BASKET OF THE  PRAM WHICH IS PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE AND YET I WILL SOMEHOW DO IT BECAUSE I’M NOT EATING ONE MORE PEPPER AND BRIE SANDWICH, IT’S NO WAY TO LIVE!

I mean I don’t say that, I just grit my teeth and smile and thank them for their clearly superior knowledge about my child’s eating habits, thanks for being so helpful.

3. BABY DEVELOPMENT

Baby sensory, sing and sign, water babies, rhyme time…you name it, there’s a class available ready to help your baby move from potato to genius. We’re actually signed up for a few in the next few months which I’m genuinely excited to try – all sarcasm aside. We seem to be a bit late to the baby class game however so have been making do with some home grown versions such as…

  • Nursery rhymes. Without going to the proper ‘rhyme time’ class I’ve realised that I’ve forgotten about 70% of the words to any given rhyme which has resulted in some re-mixed versions of the classics for Baby TGE with a lot of mumbled “the incy wincy spider, something water spout. Down came the pino grigio and something something, sun came out..”. Unsurprisingly, Baby TGE is not particularly fussed about nursery rhymes. I did try about 3 minutes of Mr Tumbles nursery rhymes on Youtube but it made me want to start punching my face and never stop – and as Baby TGE wasn’t that into it we ended up listening to The Eagles greatest hits which we both enjoyed far more.
  • Dancing. Rather than go to any proper fitness class where there’s a risk that I might actually break into a sweat, I’ve taken to just popping on the radio and ‘dancing’ with Baby TGE round the living room. The benefits of this over to going to an official class are that you can do this one in your PJs, you’re really close to a cup of tea if needed and you can both laugh like loons because you’re not out of breath.
  • Sensory play. You know what baby TGE loves most in the world? Other than Mr TGE holding him in the air so he can be an aeroplane. Oh and also Boris bear. He loves a bit of a ‘happy birthday’ banner which I crinkle in front of him. Bosh. Baby sensory done.
  • Sleeping. It seems like at the 3 month mark sleep, very generally speaking, is starting to get easier. Some babies are sleeping through the night, some are just sleeping for longer. You’ve probably started to read some kind of sleep training book, I know we have. The great thing about baby books is if you don’t like what it says you can always buy another one which will tell you to do the exact opposite! Reeesult! Baby TGE has largely ignored any well-intentioned efforts we’ve made with any kind of sleep training and takes himself to bed at 8pm currently. So instead of staring at him lovingly while he snoozes downstairs with us in the evening, we now put him to bed and then go and stare at him lovingly on the baby monitor. That’s kind of like getting your evenings back, right?

So there you have it, 3 month old sorted. Roll on the 4 month sleep regression….

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